The NHS is amazing and we all need to support it

https://www.theguardian.com/society/nhs

NHS FTW (comprehension notes are at the end)

I just finished my physics degree!!

I have no idea how because I only (finally) received my AD(H)D diagnosis a few months after graduating (thank you selfish, impulsive Tories – /sarc)

Open University has accepted me onto their MSc Science, as I squeaked by with a 2:2 – their minimum direct entry requirements ๐Ÿ˜…

Duloxetine withdrawals are hell and I cannot describe the immense buoying of mood and mental flexibility after changing from antidepressants to AD(H)D medication.

My goal is to study how medical institutions work, and use this to educate people and change the medical establishment for the better. I want more empathetic, holistic, person-centred and evidence-based medicine. And I want it to be accessible to everyone and free at the point of use!

So basically Clement Attlee and [will add other dude when I find his name: Aneurin Bevan] are my role models / heroes.

The NHS history (1948-1959) – NHS England – NHS Choices

๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ˜ป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿฝโ€๐Ÿ”ฌ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝโ€๐Ÿ”ฌ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿฝโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿš‘๐Ÿฅ๐Ÿจ๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ’Š๐Ÿ’‰๐ŸŒก๐Ÿ”ฌ๐Ÿšฐโฑ๐Ÿ’ป๐Ÿ’พ๐Ÿ“ ๐Ÿ”๐Ÿ’–โ˜ฎ๏ธ๐Ÿ’Ÿโš›๏ธโ˜ข๏ธโ˜ฃ๏ธ๐Ÿ’ฏ

Aneurin Beva and Clement Attlee are babes. Real MVPs. Leg(ends)! http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/thenhs/nhshistory/Pages/NHShistory1948.aspx

For screen readers and non-fluent English speakers: 

FTW can mean any of “for the win”, “fuck the world”, or “for the world”. I have no idea which use is most common at the moment, so I generally use it as an emphatic assertion of the preceding statement.

AD(H)D is Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder; 

2:2 or 2(ii) or “two, two” is a (Higher Education) university degree classification, which is below a 1* for “starred First”, 1 for “First Class”, 2:1 or 2(i) for “Upper Second Class”, and above a 3rd for “Third Class Honours”, and Pass which is also called an “Ordinary (non-honours) Class” degree.

‘Babes’ usually refers to conventionally attractive people, by means of sexual, romantic, platonic, or otherwise compelling traits. (Here, I’m using it humorously to imply that their achievements, in improving social responsibility and increased welfare and wellbeing, confer interpersonal reputation – to the point that they can be considered individually attractive.)

MVP is the acronym for Most Valuable Player, referring to gamers who contribute most impact to individual or recent matches in video games.

Legend / leg (“lej”) is colloquial for people who are impressive, noteworthy, imitate-able, and / or historically influential and beneficial.

I love people and don’t want them to suffer

https://t.co/BaH3JRfOcQ
(it’s a Medium article. If you’re unsure: the full link is at the end of this post, for clarity.
Yes, I know it’s not “Medium, therefore alwaysย trustworthy”, but then… nothing is.
I don’t want to buy in to the “Everything is untrustworthy so follow what your government says” bullshit.
All I can suggest to you is to be mindful of your sources. Really pay attention to their stated motivations, and consider what their likely motivations could be.)

I used to hate people. I was the curmudgeonliest misanthrope, stewing with misbegotten rage and seething with contempt for everyone and everything.

I didn’t understand music, art, effectiveย altruism (think of the phrase “I want to make a difference“. The difference – compared to inaction – is the effective part. Altruism is doing something for others to improve their wellbeing or reduce harm), empathy, consideration, future-oriented thinking, or any joy more complex than “I am watching anime”, “I am playing a [single-player] video game”, or “I am petting a cat.”

And it wasn’t because I was autistic. In my opinion? It’s because I was bullied for being autistic. I was alienated, dismissed, harassed, discriminated against, and victimised –ย repeatedly –ย in roughly that order.
BUT, while I might once have ranted about the injustice of it all, naming everyone in turn an idiot or an asshole,

Someone once told Young Me that I was always complaining about howย everyone was either ‘an idiot or an asshole’.
And, I mean, being super-reductive about it, you could make an argument for the ills of the world being due to either ignorance or malice.
(“Are you incompetent, or are you malicious?” is a hell of a loaded phrase XD)

I’m gonna consider (over-?) reductionism a cognitive bias, for now. But more about those tomorrow! Well, in a bit for me, but you folx will see it tomorrow.

It bothers me to see people upset. I feel called upon to do what I can to help fix it or at least remedy some of the effects. Perfection in a physical sense doesn’t exist, but ‘better’ is always an option, and that’s my dailyย goal.

Thanks for Reading and I hope you enjoyed it! โค

Mx Dozana, of Mx Dozana Art

Full link, as promised: https://medium.com/@agenda4humanity/5-things-you-need-to-know-about-the-uns-agenda-for-humanity-42b89fc5c9ed

 

17Apr10 This is not going to be a happy post.

I don’t have the energy to write properly.
So just TW for anxiety, depression, suic*de, and all that “good” stuff.

And if anyone CAN find the article where the government dude encouraged poor and / or disabled people to kill themselves, please do send it to me. I want that shit on blast. This is not acceptable.

Links for context:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/jun/20/jobcentre-supervisors-suicide-risk-benefit-claimants

http://blacktrianglecampaign.org/2014/10/21/uk-welfare-reform-deaths-updated-list-october-21st-2014/

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/dwp-staff-given-suicide-guidance-ahead-of-iain-duncan-smiths-welfare-reforms-10470754.html

http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/13635154.Iain_Duncan_Smith_to_be_quizzed_by_SNP_over_DWP__suicide_guidance_/

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/11/16/dwp-suicides-assessments-research_n_8577038.html

https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/news/3193-suicide-study-authors-call-for-dwp-to-release-data

I’m around a 7 or 8 on this scale, too: http://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/suicide/scale-suicide-suicidal-you/

Been sliding down for years. And Tory gutting of both mental and physical health provisions to line their pockets in the name of “””austerity””” and “””We’re all in it together””” has not helped.

I just… I just.

 

Mx Dozana

17Apr01 Quickshot Art and Mail List

Hey, so I updated my mailing list – I didn’t just forget I had one and only write the first campaign now, what chu talkin’ about?

But also I got some art done. The 32x video should be up in the next few days
(I wanted a quick vid / project – since the gender intro vid is gonna be complex and require more planning than I’d thought.
I tend to get bogged down in details and overwork sub-tasks without considering the overall effect.)

ESA / JSA / money for food and rent and whatnot is still unresolved,
and my donate link is https://paypal.me/MxDozanaArt.

If you want art for your kindness, my e-mail is MxDozanaArt@gmail.com
so hop to it (i.e. let me know what you want / when, etc).

Thanks for Reading, I hope you enjoyed it!

Mx Dozana, of Mx Dozana Art

17Mar27 Art Organisation post and Actual Blogging

Yo, so beyond the ongoing Financial Crises of 2016/17 academic year (no, I’m not a student anymore, I’m a graduate now. But this place’s lease is on an academic year calendar, so we liable for rent until June) I’ve signed onto a crap ton of art trade – contest posts.

Art Organizing

So for my reference and yours, here they are all

  1. http://precisemoon.deviantart.com/journal/Art-Contest-500-in-prizes-EXTENDED-655804867
    I’m gonna draw Louise in a cute chibi pose AFAIK / AFAI can think of)
  2. http://cutesia.deviantart.com/journal/100-WATCHER-CONTEST-OPEN-CHANCE-TO-WIN-PTS-669355760
    Prob do 2 for this one. One for Emi and one for Alice. I work Digital, and depending on time constraints, I might do full-body or just portrait (which I take to mean “indicative of the character’s personality” and / or “a view from head to above or below bust”)
  3. http://comments.deviantart.com/1/646954474/4355806221
    I will draw Edith to the best of my ability! Will be the most straightforward of my tasks, as they’re probably the closest to my usual. Still! CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Huh. I could swear there were more than that? Eh. Whatever. Better off with less work on my plate.

Story from Last Time

Hi, I’m Devon. I’ve not forgotten about the story I was going to tell in my last post that then got way too long, so I cut it short. I spent the whole time building up this metaphor to accurately represent how I viewed the situation (and multiple times have similar such situations arisen).

I can’t remember which misunderstanding and huge emotionally traumatic distress I was going to discuss (I seem to cause a lot of them and / or they seem to keep happening around me due to other’s inaccurate and cruelly unrealistic expectations of me – god/s forbid I actually be right about something, ah? *breathe in, breathe out* Anyway) But let’s say it was … let’s go with just this last one.

(Nevermind this paragraph. I tell the whole story because I got into it. Enjoy! / Learn!) [I’ll do details next time (yeah yeah, cliffhanger / tune in next time but I genuinely am hungry and did mean to finish this art thingy and start editing the video, so. Plus that was before I started the metaphor in preparation for *telling* the story!) but the quick and dirty is:]

TW: suic*de mention and brief discussion, anxiety and depression symptoms briefly discussed, possible BPD / EUPD demonstrated.

Part A

  1. I am autistic. I will repeat this until the day I finally die.
  2. I am sensitive. Being bullied, harassed, and generally Sticking Out like a Sore Thumb will do to that to ya.
  3. I am more emotionally intelligent these days, and can recognize when someone’s behaviour upsets me more than I can tolerate.
    (you can probably start to see where this is going already)
  4. Not everyone cares to remember that I am autistic,
    what being autistic means, or that

    ‘not taking a disability as an excuse

    is actually just ableism.
    Except it’s been disguised as

    ‘I don’t see a difference !!1!1!’

    Again, full unpacking and break down (heh heh. Cuz I’m mentally ill, see?) in the next post. This is just to put something down so you’re not still waiting from whenever I last wrote.

  5. People, apparently, tend to assume the worst of me.
    Which would be upsetting if it weren’t just frustrating and disappointing.
  6. Now, combine all of these elements into the setting for a scenario where I, apparently, fuck up by asking not to attend a function
    where I know one individual (see #3) will be.
    How dare I, right?
  7. Notice there was no incoherent ranting about how this #3 person was awful, terrible, needed to die, or whatever the fuck.
    Literally just “I am not capable of handling their behaviour at this precise moment. I would like to not go. Maybe next time.” Thazzit.
    Although for the Interlocutor’s hemorrhaging neck at this point, I am loathe to forget that I was unclear. Apparently.
  8. Following a very short “Ah, I understand, I’ll see you later” type exchange, cue ShitStorm of Thankfully Could Be Worse But Still Isn’t Great proportions.
  9. Because, apparently, I was being rude*. And, apparently,
    asking not to go to a function
    where I know I will be unhappy, therefore I want to avoid it
    is tantamount to character assassination. (Ignoring of course, the next point)
  10. I won’t use exact words, to avoid being … unfortunately those exact words would be very helpful right now.
    But the interlocutor who relayed my messages (it was a private chat, btw?) to #3 person told me: they thought that I was being two-faced (by being honest?) and cruel (by talking to the interlocutor, who was the event’s host, FFS).

    It made sense to me not to ’cause a stink’ on facebook by renouncing my event invite without discussion.

    Aaand my discussion went public to the person it was about, regardless. Of course.

  11. So person #3 rages at me in a public chat
    – very understandably, I might add! No one likes hearing that someone doesn’t like the(ir behaviour. Them / their behaviour, for speech readers) –
  12. And the interlocutor point-blank refuses to take ANY responsibility for triggering emotional distress in both person #3 and me.
    And my partner, who was away and then had to deal with all this bullshit out of nowhere, to a lesser extent.
    And anyone else in the public chat WTF’ing really hard at this spontaneous explosion of anger and obvious emotional distress.

Turns out I was going to tell the whole story today. Ah well. I’ll split it into parts for readability because block text sucks.

Part B

  1. Next day, still nothing. Interlocutor talks it other with my partner and still admits fuck-all.(No Apology. Obviously.)
  2. Still maintaining their tarnished White Knight status as “They who shall never give in to Evil ™!” and that I was being unreasonable for daring to say anything negative about person #3 at all.
    (Cuz Interl’r and p #3 were good friends which a) I didn’t know, and b) didn’t affect the fact that they were still the host of the goddamn event shootmenow.)
    When how tf else was I supposed to answer “Why don’t you want to come anymore?” and “What about them causes you not to want to come anymore?”
  3. A literal secret agency spy would struggle to avoid answering such direct questions. I say autistically, displaying my autism. *Cough autistic* *cough* *COUGH*
  4. My memory gets a bit hazy at this point, but I think that night, or maybe it was – yeah, I think it was the same night, I tell Interlocutor it’s all their fault.
    (because there is factually no way around it. My messages were intended to serve as clear responses to the direct questions they asked regarding my nonattendance at their event. Their ignorance and refusal to understand autism is not my fault, but they made it my problem.)
    It goes about as well as you’d expect.
  5. Between metaphors, analogies, similes, and pained, PAINED communication, the anxiety of Just How Much [the interlocutor] Doesn’t Get It causes me to feel incredibly upset at the onset of a probable panic attack or anxiety or something.
  6. They White Knight ™ away, Respecting My Boundaries So Hard!!11! and
  7. relay this, again, to literally everyone who asks.
    Which, for once, may not have been a painfully dumb-ass move. Speaking personally, for my reputation in said group,
    it probably alleviated some of the presumed “OMG she’s such a biiiitch” (sic)
    (cuz I doubt anyone’d call me they or he. Seriously: variety, people. Spice of life)
    to have a record of trying to solve the damn problem. Again. Some more. Like I was trying to do anyway. But whatever.

So I haven’t reentered that discussion with them (singular: Interlocutor or plural: either of them, though I haven’t spoken to person #3 directly since the Public Chat Debacle) and I’m not particularly looking forward to it, should it ever come to pass. It probably will.

Because I can’t afford therapy after Tuesday (can’t afford therapy regardless of Tuesday’s session) and I can already feel the soul-sapping weight of debt, the DWP, and general ennui start to bear down on me.

But y’know. “Life isn’t fair”, right(?) </sarcasm>

Why the monikers and paraphrasing, instead of names / nicknames and quotes?
Quite frankly, I don’t need the ajada.I’ve asked for help online and it did not end well. How dare I talk about traumatic events for me, right? Bloody injunction without any goddamn courts’ involvement at all!
(even with totally obscured names? Like, I called them Person A and B etc., so IDK WTF their problem was. I was, again, literally just asking for help because I was autistic and upset. They eventually got angry with me in a private room after I’d written them a letter and cried afterward. Again, muddled. I heard muddled memory was a symptom of PTSD in some people. I’d get that checked out, but y’know: defunded NHS. — This was in A Levels.)

Point is, I’ve repeatedly been told that my behaviour is ‘unacceptable’ to others, when it seems perfectly acceptable for others to harass me. It’s unfair as shit.

Why include the story at all?
Because I just said I won’t be able to afford therapy. (Again, can’t)
And while I’m buying groceries on a credit card, this blathering-on stops me thinking about how to induce death without chemical poisoning
(notoriously low ‘success’ rate, apparently. Not that I’ve been researching or anything. Although if I had been, I’d tell you options are incredibly limited, especially here in the UK / Europe. I’ll cut it there.)

By the way, the juiciest part of this story isn’t the story. It’s the fucked context in which I was yelled at — for being myself and trying to accommodate others’ comfort by removing my potentially problematic presence from an outing I would not enjoy. Or, in the case of the A Levels example, I was yelled at for

  • a) describing an incident with a ‘friend’ that escalated after he insisted I pick up his money after he (accidentally) threw it at me and I (intentionally) threw it back. Except I’m a good shot, apparently, and hit his face. This was not the first time someone had thrown something at me, soooo…. y’know.
  • b) realizing my other ‘friends’ never asked how I was or if I was okay, and generally ignored me after that. Even when ‘friend’o (friend-oh for speech readers) started ranting about me loudly at surrounding tables.
  • c) posting a letter I’d written to the deputy head (vice principal) online, asking for critique / if I’d said anything wrong.
  • d) some point after this, the online stalking and creepy messages started. Cuz, y’know. That’s how mature people resolve conflict, right? You go right up to them, and store information over an extended period without their knowledge or consent, and eventually explode in anger at them while they’re still confused AF and come to realize they’ve been duped by their ‘friends’ far worse than ever the original issue with the whiny, clumsy kid.

God(s) for-fucking-bid an autistic person DARE mention that their COMMUNICATION DISORDER be even possibly relevant to DISORDERED COMMUNICATION.

Therapy. I would like money for therapy, please. More than food or rent (I do have a place to go, but will still be liable for rent up thru June), I need therapy. I have so much — Anyway. Again. Next post. The context of the above stories will be revealed in detail.

Thanks for Reading,

Mx Dozana (I’m Devon, nice to meet you)

Post Script. That donate link again is https://paypal.me/MxDozanaArt. Believe me, I wouldn’t ask / offer the link if I didn’t need it.

Alternatively, if you want my art for your money, you can commission my services or patronize my Patreon.
PM / DM me or comment if you want more info about why my finances are in such a mess. (Spoiler: the government hates poor people, students, disabled people, immigrants, and non-Tories. Uh-oh, I finally won the lottery(!) </sarcasm>)

17Mar23 Metaphors

Okay, so like I’m autistic ‘n shit. (And I can say I have AD(H)D now, omfg)
And I was never any good at metaphors, but
— through a very, VERY long process where I was forced to become at least passable with them —
I’m apparently now, at least at first glance, a fairly clear communicator.

Except I’m not

because I’m autistic, FFS. What I am is good at hiding that I’m autistic for allistic peoples’ sake.

Why yes, I am sensitive. Being bullied for many years by friends, family, foes, and randomers will do that to you. Surprisingly enough (!) /s </ sarcasm >

Y’know, activate stress responses
that become complex, negative associations?

And why do people pick on other-ness? Because it’s easy. People like simple categorization and limiting energy expenditure. Thinking and ruminating over things is hard and takes effort. I’m not an evolutionary biologist, but I’m going to assume short term thinking was highly prized over long-term philosophy.

ANYWAY.

The metaphor I had in mind

whenever I started writing this, was thus:

Everyone’s a chef (body, mind, physiology, biological machine, etc)
and everyone bakes cakes (mood, gender, mental health, experiences).

Continue reading “17Mar23 Metaphors”