17Mar27 Art Organisation post and Actual Blogging

Yo, so beyond the ongoing Financial Crises of 2016/17 academic year (no, I’m not a student anymore, I’m a graduate now. But this place’s lease is on an academic year calendar, so we liable for rent until June) I’ve signed onto a crap ton of art trade – contest posts.

Art Organizing

So for my reference and yours, here they are all

  1. http://precisemoon.deviantart.com/journal/Art-Contest-500-in-prizes-EXTENDED-655804867
    I’m gonna draw Louise in a cute chibi pose AFAIK / AFAI can think of)
  2. http://cutesia.deviantart.com/journal/100-WATCHER-CONTEST-OPEN-CHANCE-TO-WIN-PTS-669355760
    Prob do 2 for this one. One for Emi and one for Alice. I work Digital, and depending on time constraints, I might do full-body or just portrait (which I take to mean “indicative of the character’s personality” and / or “a view from head to above or below bust”)
  3. http://comments.deviantart.com/1/646954474/4355806221
    I will draw Edith to the best of my ability! Will be the most straightforward of my tasks, as they’re probably the closest to my usual. Still! CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Huh. I could swear there were more than that? Eh. Whatever. Better off with less work on my plate.

Story from Last Time

Hi, I’m Devon. I’ve not forgotten about the story I was going to tell in my last post that then got way too long, so I cut it short. I spent the whole time building up this metaphor to accurately represent how I viewed the situation (and multiple times have similar such situations arisen).

I can’t remember which misunderstanding and huge emotionally traumatic distress I was going to discuss (I seem to cause a lot of them and / or they seem to keep happening around me due to other’s inaccurate and cruelly unrealistic expectations of me – god/s forbid I actually be right about something, ah? *breathe in, breathe out* Anyway) But let’s say it was … let’s go with just this last one.

(Nevermind this paragraph. I tell the whole story because I got into it. Enjoy! / Learn!) [I’ll do details next time (yeah yeah, cliffhanger / tune in next time but I genuinely am hungry and did mean to finish this art thingy and start editing the video, so. Plus that was before I started the metaphor in preparation for *telling* the story!) but the quick and dirty is:]

TW: suic*de mention and brief discussion, anxiety and depression symptoms briefly discussed, possible BPD / EUPD demonstrated.

Part A

  1. I am autistic. I will repeat this until the day I finally die.
  2. I am sensitive. Being bullied, harassed, and generally Sticking Out like a Sore Thumb will do to that to ya.
  3. I am more emotionally intelligent these days, and can recognize when someone’s behaviour upsets me more than I can tolerate.
    (you can probably start to see where this is going already)
  4. Not everyone cares to remember that I am autistic,
    what being autistic means, or that

    ‘not taking a disability as an excuse

    is actually just ableism.
    Except it’s been disguised as

    ‘I don’t see a difference !!1!1!’

    Again, full unpacking and break down (heh heh. Cuz I’m mentally ill, see?) in the next post. This is just to put something down so you’re not still waiting from whenever I last wrote.

  5. People, apparently, tend to assume the worst of me.
    Which would be upsetting if it weren’t just frustrating and disappointing.
  6. Now, combine all of these elements into the setting for a scenario where I, apparently, fuck up by asking not to attend a function
    where I know one individual (see #3) will be.
    How dare I, right?
  7. Notice there was no incoherent ranting about how this #3 person was awful, terrible, needed to die, or whatever the fuck.
    Literally just “I am not capable of handling their behaviour at this precise moment. I would like to not go. Maybe next time.” Thazzit.
    Although for the Interlocutor’s hemorrhaging neck at this point, I am loathe to forget that I was unclear. Apparently.
  8. Following a very short “Ah, I understand, I’ll see you later” type exchange, cue ShitStorm of Thankfully Could Be Worse But Still Isn’t Great proportions.
  9. Because, apparently, I was being rude*. And, apparently,
    asking not to go to a function
    where I know I will be unhappy, therefore I want to avoid it
    is tantamount to character assassination. (Ignoring of course, the next point)
  10. I won’t use exact words, to avoid being … unfortunately those exact words would be very helpful right now.
    But the interlocutor who relayed my messages (it was a private chat, btw?) to #3 person told me: they thought that I was being two-faced (by being honest?) and cruel (by talking to the interlocutor, who was the event’s host, FFS).

    It made sense to me not to ’cause a stink’ on facebook by renouncing my event invite without discussion.

    Aaand my discussion went public to the person it was about, regardless. Of course.

  11. So person #3 rages at me in a public chat
    – very understandably, I might add! No one likes hearing that someone doesn’t like the(ir behaviour. Them / their behaviour, for speech readers) –
  12. And the interlocutor point-blank refuses to take ANY responsibility for triggering emotional distress in both person #3 and me.
    And my partner, who was away and then had to deal with all this bullshit out of nowhere, to a lesser extent.
    And anyone else in the public chat WTF’ing really hard at this spontaneous explosion of anger and obvious emotional distress.

Turns out I was going to tell the whole story today. Ah well. I’ll split it into parts for readability because block text sucks.

Part B

  1. Next day, still nothing. Interlocutor talks it other with my partner and still admits fuck-all.(No Apology. Obviously.)
  2. Still maintaining their tarnished White Knight status as “They who shall never give in to Evil ™!” and that I was being unreasonable for daring to say anything negative about person #3 at all.
    (Cuz Interl’r and p #3 were good friends which a) I didn’t know, and b) didn’t affect the fact that they were still the host of the goddamn event shootmenow.)
    When how tf else was I supposed to answer “Why don’t you want to come anymore?” and “What about them causes you not to want to come anymore?”
  3. A literal secret agency spy would struggle to avoid answering such direct questions. I say autistically, displaying my autism. *Cough autistic* *cough* *COUGH*
  4. My memory gets a bit hazy at this point, but I think that night, or maybe it was – yeah, I think it was the same night, I tell Interlocutor it’s all their fault.
    (because there is factually no way around it. My messages were intended to serve as clear responses to the direct questions they asked regarding my nonattendance at their event. Their ignorance and refusal to understand autism is not my fault, but they made it my problem.)
    It goes about as well as you’d expect.
  5. Between metaphors, analogies, similes, and pained, PAINED communication, the anxiety of Just How Much [the interlocutor] Doesn’t Get It causes me to feel incredibly upset at the onset of a probable panic attack or anxiety or something.
  6. They White Knight ™ away, Respecting My Boundaries So Hard!!11! and
  7. relay this, again, to literally everyone who asks.
    Which, for once, may not have been a painfully dumb-ass move. Speaking personally, for my reputation in said group,
    it probably alleviated some of the presumed “OMG she’s such a biiiitch” (sic)
    (cuz I doubt anyone’d call me they or he. Seriously: variety, people. Spice of life)
    to have a record of trying to solve the damn problem. Again. Some more. Like I was trying to do anyway. But whatever.

So I haven’t reentered that discussion with them (singular: Interlocutor or plural: either of them, though I haven’t spoken to person #3 directly since the Public Chat Debacle) and I’m not particularly looking forward to it, should it ever come to pass. It probably will.

Because I can’t afford therapy after Tuesday (can’t afford therapy regardless of Tuesday’s session) and I can already feel the soul-sapping weight of debt, the DWP, and general ennui start to bear down on me.

But y’know. “Life isn’t fair”, right(?) </sarcasm>

Why the monikers and paraphrasing, instead of names / nicknames and quotes?
Quite frankly, I don’t need the ajada.I’ve asked for help online and it did not end well. How dare I talk about traumatic events for me, right? Bloody injunction without any goddamn courts’ involvement at all!
(even with totally obscured names? Like, I called them Person A and B etc., so IDK WTF their problem was. I was, again, literally just asking for help because I was autistic and upset. They eventually got angry with me in a private room after I’d written them a letter and cried afterward. Again, muddled. I heard muddled memory was a symptom of PTSD in some people. I’d get that checked out, but y’know: defunded NHS. — This was in A Levels.)

Point is, I’ve repeatedly been told that my behaviour is ‘unacceptable’ to others, when it seems perfectly acceptable for others to harass me. It’s unfair as shit.

Why include the story at all?
Because I just said I won’t be able to afford therapy. (Again, can’t)
And while I’m buying groceries on a credit card, this blathering-on stops me thinking about how to induce death without chemical poisoning
(notoriously low ‘success’ rate, apparently. Not that I’ve been researching or anything. Although if I had been, I’d tell you options are incredibly limited, especially here in the UK / Europe. I’ll cut it there.)

By the way, the juiciest part of this story isn’t the story. It’s the fucked context in which I was yelled at — for being myself and trying to accommodate others’ comfort by removing my potentially problematic presence from an outing I would not enjoy. Or, in the case of the A Levels example, I was yelled at for

  • a) describing an incident with a ‘friend’ that escalated after he insisted I pick up his money after he (accidentally) threw it at me and I (intentionally) threw it back. Except I’m a good shot, apparently, and hit his face. This was not the first time someone had thrown something at me, soooo…. y’know.
  • b) realizing my other ‘friends’ never asked how I was or if I was okay, and generally ignored me after that. Even when ‘friend’o (friend-oh for speech readers) started ranting about me loudly at surrounding tables.
  • c) posting a letter I’d written to the deputy head (vice principal) online, asking for critique / if I’d said anything wrong.
  • d) some point after this, the online stalking and creepy messages started. Cuz, y’know. That’s how mature people resolve conflict, right? You go right up to them, and store information over an extended period without their knowledge or consent, and eventually explode in anger at them while they’re still confused AF and come to realize they’ve been duped by their ‘friends’ far worse than ever the original issue with the whiny, clumsy kid.

God(s) for-fucking-bid an autistic person DARE mention that their COMMUNICATION DISORDER be even possibly relevant to DISORDERED COMMUNICATION.

Therapy. I would like money for therapy, please. More than food or rent (I do have a place to go, but will still be liable for rent up thru June), I need therapy. I have so much — Anyway. Again. Next post. The context of the above stories will be revealed in detail.

Thanks for Reading,

Mx Dozana (I’m Devon, nice to meet you)

Post Script. That donate link again is https://paypal.me/MxDozanaArt. Believe me, I wouldn’t ask / offer the link if I didn’t need it.

Alternatively, if you want my art for your money, you can commission my services or patronize my Patreon.
PM / DM me or comment if you want more info about why my finances are in such a mess. (Spoiler: the government hates poor people, students, disabled people, immigrants, and non-Tories. Uh-oh, I finally won the lottery(!) </sarcasm>)

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17Mar23 Metaphors

Okay, so like I’m autistic ‘n shit. (And I can say I have AD(H)D now, omfg)
And I was never any good at metaphors, but
— through a very, VERY long process where I was forced to become at least passable with them —
I’m apparently now, at least at first glance, a fairly clear communicator.

Except I’m not

because I’m autistic, FFS. What I am is good at hiding that I’m autistic for allistic peoples’ sake.

Why yes, I am sensitive. Being bullied for many years by friends, family, foes, and randomers will do that to you. Surprisingly enough (!) /s </ sarcasm >

Y’know, activate stress responses
that become complex, negative associations?

And why do people pick on other-ness? Because it’s easy. People like simple categorization and limiting energy expenditure. Thinking and ruminating over things is hard and takes effort. I’m not an evolutionary biologist, but I’m going to assume short term thinking was highly prized over long-term philosophy.

ANYWAY.

The metaphor I had in mind

whenever I started writing this, was thus:

Everyone’s a chef (body, mind, physiology, biological machine, etc)
and everyone bakes cakes (mood, gender, mental health, experiences).

Continue reading “17Mar23 Metaphors”

17Mar09 Brief Summary

No art for a bit, then I made some. Yes, there is a video coming.

If you’re familiar with Mental Health, and Mental Illnesses in particular,
then you may / will understand. If not, then there are better places to learn more.

I thought a wrap-up was in order, following that gorgeous cacophony of written noise I pushed through for the last half-dozen or so posts!

Continue reading “17Mar09 Brief Summary”

17Mar05 ‘Non-Art,’ a.k.a. ‘Free-for-All’

In which you realize I bloody well mean it when I say I’m interested in a lot of things. Ya numpty.

So, like, I’m a scientist ‘n shit, but I’m also human, and I might have (adult) AD(H)D, so I really like well-presented, appropriately formatted, and reliably structured content. Be it video, text, image, audio, olfactory, gustatory, kinesthetic, electromagnetic (hint: this includes visible light!), electrically unstable / radioactive, bla bla bla I lost the point of the sentence again.

So here’s a thing about science which I can’t remember and I don’t care.
Fiiine, I’m rewatching it. Oh god, the neutrinos again >,<*

XD Hah! That’s a good explanation actually. That 0:55 scientist looks like Professor Utonium / Samurai Jack. Also there are SO many different papers that no one person can POSSIBLY keep up with them all. And errors are frequently under-reported, as this video explains. Careers, media, and funding should NOT be the driving motivation for scientific investigation.

Yep. Peer review is better than nothing. But it’s not ideal. We should publish and refine investigative methods, as well as incentivising ALL results. Not just spectacles or supporting the status quo for capitalist organizations.

Good thing I rewatched that. I knew there was a reason I included it.

This one’s really awesome and scary. And totally not at all what we’re going through in the UK and US and Europe broadly. Noooo… Totally not. Ohh, so La Puta, the bizarre Ghibli film was a reference at least in name (I don’t remember the movie or care).

Holy crap 1:48’s working person is just gorgeous. That dancey animation makes me swoon. 2:27 certainly sounds really goddamn familiar. Ah, so it’s state surveillance and efficient murders that *COUGH TORIES COUGH* are hallmarks of dysfunctional society.

1984 was so goddamn sad. I just… I just felt so upset after reading it. I feel worse, but it seemed important to read.

Also terrifying and upsetting, but important. Orwellian =/= Authoritarian. Tyranny comes in many forms, from different methods. As for language leading thought, check these links: Link 1 and Link 2. Government surveillance, lethal threats, social control through propaganda and enforced false language – NewSpeak. Leading to DoubleThink. HM. Yeah, no, that doesn’t seem at ALL similar to how American formal education has been defunded and restructured to include obviously biased and fictional re-framings of history.

Think deeply. Question your assumptions. Pay close attention. Protect our language.

Oh, hey? Legit: my life.

What follows in quoted text is the abstracted definition from the video. I omitted the examples to just get to the actual definition. Watch the video! Go like their video! Subscribe to TedEd if you feel so inclined!

Kafkaesque – unnecessarily complicated and frustrating experiences. Mundane and absurd aspects of modern bureaucracy. An ordeal so disorienting and illogical that success becomes pointless in the first place. Irony of characters’ circular reasoning in reaction to it.

Tragicomic stories employing dream logic to explore the relationships between systems of arbitrary power and the individuals caught up in them. Some systems are intrinsic to the character.

Humor is rooted in the nonsensical logic of the situations described. Judged by people we can’t see, according to rules we don’t know. He reminds us that the world we live in is one we create, and have the power to change for the better.

What precedes in quoted text is the abstracted definition from the video. I omitted the examples to just get to the actual definition. Watch the video! Go like their video! Subscribe to TedEd if you feel so inclined!

A meme before Richard Dawkins’ concept took hold in a way we couldn’t have predicted or stopped. No matter how much we may want to. There is a loud af bit in the middle. Turn down your headphones. God this is so damn old. Christ.

This one gave me my next medium-sized project idea. I’ll do far fewer styles, only 4 at first, then 4 alternate versions. I’ll explain more in my next art post or text update.

Hey! Here’s a WordPress one! Show some love.

 

 

 

My partner introduced me to Miike Snow, Genghis Khan, specifically. But I didn’t realize this song from from them / him too!

17Mar04 Story and Character Arcs

I‘m not an expert, and I’m not particularly skilled. Just bear that in mind with this post! I’ll provide links as I go, per usual.

Mentioned before: I’m autistic. I don’t ‘get’ people, and a lot of the time, I don’t ‘get’ stories. I like stories when they’re well done, or interesting, but I have major difficulty and pains trying to make one of my own.

A lot of these videos I picked up from YouTube’s Creator Academy and Pre-Production: Before Pressing Record in particular. I highly recommend learning from and engaging with YT’s CA even if you don’t plan to make videos or media of any sort. There are so many transferable skills available from taking part in this free service. I’ve been to uni, I’ve tried FutureLearn and EdX. I hands-down prefer YT’s CA for its basic but effective framework.

If you’re looking for a thorough character sheet template, check out Rin Chupeco’s post here: http://www.rinchupeco.com/character-template-sheet/#comment-6717

For example, do I plan to start shooting vlog-style videos, skits, shorts, and other in-person recordings? Hell no.
Do I want to make animations, rig things realistically (I only have a vague notion of what that means right now), and eventually produce engaging, perspective-shifting OVAs? Hell yes.

And story-boarding will be invaluable (Like Navi) in that endeavor.

This one is about ‘how to turn ideas into compelling stories of formats’. Besides the unfortunate and prolific use of ‘crazy’ to imply ‘unreasonable’ or ‘unusual’, Georgia Koch provides a whistle-stop tour of (one form of) a creative process. The video’s summary is: generate free-flow ideas, shortlist, incorporate unstructured impulses, keep in mind current struggles against a backdrop of core perspectives, uphold suspense, develop take-home message or call-to-action, “revise story ideas to keep your audience’s interest”, include connection characters and reasons to continue watching.

This one’s pretty funny and makes me feel like home. I also absolutely love his perspectives on transient life. And that characters should be their own people, otherwise they won’t feel real. Use characters to drive the plot. Also his cat is cute af. I took so many notes during this one the first time. It felt like I was in lectures again. *twitch twitch*

Script to Story, with regards to video production. Anna Akana talks through starting one, refining it, and using a checklist to ensure production materials can be efficiently gathered beforehand. Again, the use of ‘schizophrenic’, ‘psychopath’, and ‘I drink the script Kool-Aid’ were quite jarring and off-putting… as, like, someone with mental illnesses? And with mentally ill family members?

But besides that, the advice to only describe visuals or audio tracks that would be observable by someone in that situation is a good one. Unless you use voice-over thoughts — which is probably a Cinema Sin and I don’t really know or care why. Also include in your script what each person’s emotional stakes are, to each character. The organizational tips to color-code and group by section / topic are very helpful.

I do wonder about the ‘Pregnapocalypse’… erm, production. Like, would that include all impregnable people (including children apparently WTAF), including intersex people, (some) transmen, and I’m almost certain she probably included agender people, and non-binary people like me — as long as they were Assigned Female At Birth / AFAB. Which makes sense, if you’re in for gender essentialism. Link 1, Link 2, and Link 3. Really, it should be anyone with a functional uterus. (Is that rude to infertile people?)

Look: these questions really derail me from whatever it is I’m supposed to be thinking about. It always bugged the shit out of my elementary and middle school where the sex ‘education’ involved talking about periods. To only AFAB people. And fuck all about penises, actually enjoying sex, or *le gasp* … MASTURBATION. Teach kids to have fun by themselves safely and literally no one is worse off. Making jokes about cucumbers or vacuum cleaners is going to give people yeast infections and genital injuries, FFS.

From Every Frame a Painting, I remember Nick Frost being fricken’ amazing. I did like the Cornetto Trilogy, but I still feel kinda ‘eh’ about it. Also I always read “murder your darlings”, but I guess “kill your babies” / “don’t be precious” is the modern version. Methodical and mathematical is good. =)

I can see why having a final image and clear understanding of your plot would be a good idea. Especially for motivation. But similar to the casual dude video before last, I’ve been leaning towards wanting to let “life” happen on the page. Because life isn’t some super complicated Aizen multi-layered bizarre scheme where “This was all a part of my plan!” Life is messy, takes wrong turns, and not fun or interesting at times.

Which is why I really liked Whisper of the Heart. Sure, it took its sweet-ass time, but it felt damn real. It could have ended a dozen times before it did, and some may argue it should have, but I like that it took its time to reach the conclusion that apparently felt right to the creators and producers.

Omg, I just realized I’m essentially writing rambly academic essays with (only online) links as references.

Whitney Milam writer and Mary Doodles artist.

Re: Video Projects. Create a simple style to help you communicate ideas. From your head to people outside your head. Can use color-coded characters, or collages. Draft on paper, not on video. Use different draw distances, angles, panning or zooming.

Use action arrows, descriptive text, and images. Review script, select good shots to keep it tight, and translate into a framework of visuals. Run screenings with as many different kinds of people as people to highlight potential issues or uninteresting segments that need to be edited or cut to benefit the whole story.

A storyboard is a simple drawing that’s kind of like a comic book for your story. It helps you (or your camera-person) get the shots that you need to make a story.

I really liked this video. It encompassed a neat selection of differing considerations, without feeling rushed, erratic, or incomprehensible.

This one’s a clear, focused, detail-oriented tutorial on how to create an individual storyboard page. As someone who regularly ‘gets bogged down in details’, I ask this question a lot:

But how exactly do I do that?”

Give me a list of instructions and I will do them to the best of my ability. It’s only after A Levels and University that I’m finally able to appreciate non-contextual ‘tips’ like in prior videos.

Close up, medium, and wide shots. Wide is usually establishing something, like background, setting, landscape, or perspective. Close-up is for drawing attention to things, but can feel forced if used too often, for too long, or for irrelevant props or events. Bird’s eye view is from the angle of a bird flying over head and looking down. Ant’s eye view is from the angle of an ant looking up. ‘Extreme’ BEV or AEV is nearly vertical.

Also, background design. I usually put off planning the space occupied by my drawn or painted subjects until I have no other choice.

This video is in direct contrast to the earlier one with the casual af dude whose advice was to just start writing. And the SoulPancake person Georgia Koch (oh gods, I really hope they’re not related to the Koch brothers)

Which gave me the following links:

http://spaztique.deviantart.com/journal/The-Simple-Character-Creator-Formula-351762100

I commented on this first one under the main post. Yes, I AM autistic, and really, really prefer my formulae to follow simplification rules.

http://spaztique.deviantart.com/journal/Yes-you-CAN-write-Original-Characters-382653417

Again, great for the details-oriented of you. Greetings, fellow persnickets!

http://spaztique.deviantart.com/art/The-Shapes-of-Stories-A-look-at-story-structures-447154403

I haven’t read this one yet, but it’s bookmarked because it looks in-depth enough to be an ocean. Or the dankest regions of space.

 

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the journey,

Mx Dozana, of Mx Dozana Art

17Mar03 IRL – this affects UK people

The Tories have just admitted that the assessments for PIP are meaningless and nothing more than a charade. MP George Freeman the head of the Number 10 Policy Board has just admitted this today on Radio 5 Live’s Pienaar Politics show and here is what he said: The disability lobbies are fuming over these comments […]

via Tories admit PIP assessments are a meaningless charade — SPeye Joe (Welfarewrites)